Countdown
by tea glasses
Summary: The doctors said that I don't have long to live. 60 days, to be exact.
1. Chapter 1

**Countdown**

 **~x~**

* * *

~60~

The doctors said that I don't have long to live.

60 days, to be exact.

~59~

It's all a dream. It's all a mistake. It's all a lie.

This isn't happening.

It can't be.

~58~

What about my future? What about everything I've ever dreamed about?

All these years, I've never really realized how lucky I was. I've just taken everything for granted.

But now, it will all be taken away from me.

I can't do this.

I can't.

~57~

~56~

I've been hiding from the truth.

I didn't want to believe it. But I can't lie to myself anymore.

I'm going to die.

~55~

Life is stupid. There's no meaning to it. Just sadness. Pain. Regret.

So why, then, do I hang on so desperately?

~54~

~53~

I don't even realize I'm staring off into space.

Unfortunately, Kashino does.

"Oi, Amano. What are you doing?" He demands. "You're not focused at all."

"Hm? Oh, it's nothing." I reassure him, forcing a smile on my face. "I'm fine."

He stares at me for a moment, then frowns, unconvinced. "You're lying."

"Of course I'm not lying! I'm perfectly fine, see?" I state, a bit louder than I mean to.

I can feel him staring at me. An awkward silence envelopes the two of us. "I... um... have to go. Bye!" I finally utter, averting his glance. And before he can say anything else, I hurriedly grab my papers and run out of the room.

That's when I realize I'm crying.

~52~

~51~

~50~

It's all so... painful.

I don't want to tell anyone. I can't cause them more trouble.

But then, who do I have to turn to? Who will be able to understand me?

No one.

~49~

~48~

The doctor says I should be happy.

He doesn't understand.

I have to give up my family. My friends. My dreams. Everything.

In a few days, I'm going to die.

How can I be happy?

~47~

~46~

~45~

I can't do this anymore.

It's too hard.

I wish my time was already over.

At least, then I wouldn't have to suffer...

~44~

~43~

"You've been acting strange lately."

His sentence takes me by surprise. "I–" I start, but something stops me.

I can't tell him. Even if it kills me inside.

So instead, I smile. "Everything's fine," I lie. "I'm just stressed, that's all."

"Well, you shouldn't be." He looks away, averting my glance. "I worry about you, you know."

The sentence is hesitant. _Unsure._ But it's enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Don't worry about me, Kashino.

Please...

~42~

~41~

~40~

"Kashino, can I take this off now?" I complain, adjusting the blindfold around my eyes. "I can't see!"

"That's the point." He replies, chuckling.

"At least tell me where we're going..." I plead.

"Just wait a little longer." He reassures me, patting me on the head. Or at least, he tries to. He's still unbelievably short.

I pout, leaning back in the car seat. "Hurry up, then..."

We drive for what seems like an eternity. Finally, I feel the car slow to a stop. Kashino leads me outside. Carefully, he unties my blindfold.

"Now, open your eyes."

I blink. There's nothing there. Just an endless field of green.

Suddenly, I realize it's not just green. Every few inches, a red gemstone decorates the foliage around it.

It's a field of strawberries.

They glisten in the sunlight, like a thousand jewels of crimson. My eyes widen in shock. "K-Kashino!"

He grins. "They're all yours."

My mouth falls open. Then slowly, I smile.

And for the first time...

It's _real._

* * *

When the day is over, I sit down next to him and watch the sunset.

The sky looks like it's on fire. The sun, like the heart of the flame, radiates with a warm golden light. Silver clouds hang over the atmosphere like smoke.

The sun sinks slowly into the horizon, as day meets night in an explosion of colors. It's truly beautiful.

As I glance over at Kashino, all of a sudden, I'm struck with a handful of emotions. Suddenly, I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I want to throw my arms around him and tell him that he's made my day. That he's made my life.

I want to tell him that I love him, and that I'd do anything just to have him by my side.

I want to tell him everything.

But all that comes out is, "Thank you, Kashino."

~39~

~38~

"Hey, Kashino..."

He turns around. "Yes?"

I close my eyes, a sigh escaping my lips. "N-Nothing."

I know I can't keep it a secret forever. I'll tell him about my condition soon. Just not yet.

Not yet.

~37~

The doctor has always said something comforting to me. Every time I visit, she's told me to keep hope, or that I still have time left.

But this time, she was silent.

~36~

"Oi, Amano."

I glance up at him. "K-Kashino?"

"Open your mouth," he instructs.

I happily comply. He places a small, heart shaped chocolate on my tongue. It melts in my mouth, leaving a sweet fragrance even after it's gone.

"It tastes so good!" I let my eyes fall closed, a smile gracing my lips.

He chuckles. "...You look nice when you smile."

My eyes widen in surprise, as I feel my cheeks grow hot. Kashino's never complimented me like this before...

He stands up and leaves the room, leaving me standing there. My heart is beating far too fast for comfort.

And suddenly, I realize something.

I don't want to lose him.

~35~

My time is shortening.

I still haven't told Kashino about my cancer.

I glance over at him, watching him temper the chocolate on the countertop. He looks up at me and smiles slightly before returning to his work.

I feel blood rush to my cheeks. I need to tell him eventually. But for now...

...I don't want things to change.

~34~

~33~

Kashino, Hanabusa, and Andou are sitting together. Hanabusa says something that's beyond my range of hearing and they all burst out laughing.

I sigh. Before I arrived, it was just the three of them.

When I leave, it will be the original three all over again.

They can survive without me. And in time, they'll grow to forget me.

But there's a small part of me that wishes desperately that they won't...

~32~

~31~

~30~

Today, I'm baking a strawberry cake when my hand starts shaking.

It trembles as if it's in the midst of an earthquake. I try to make it stop, but for some reason, I can't.

So I schedule a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I tell myself I'll be okay.

But as time goes by, I find it harder and harder to believe...

~29~

"I'll be back." The doctor walks out of the room, my blood samples in her hand.

Minutes later, she returns. From the look on her face, I know immediately that something's wrong.

"There have been some miscalculations," she says slowly.

My heart is pounding so loud that I can barely hear her words anymore. "M-Miscalculations..." I repeat.

The world seems so distant. So... faint. "How long?" I ask shakily.

She swallows, averting my glance.

"Two weeks."

~14~

It isn't fair.

It never was fair.

~13~

My hands start shaking again, and I accidentally drop the cookies I'm baking.

"You're such an idiot!" Kashino chastises me. I lower my glance, tears forming at my eyes.

I'm silent for the rest of class. But deep inside, I'm screaming.

~12~

 _I'll be okay._

 _I'll be okay._

 _I'll be okay..._

Hot, angry tears cascade from my eyes. This time, I make no effort to stop them.

Suddenly, I hear footsteps. I turn around. Through my blurred vision, I can scarcely make out a figure with golden blonde hair.

"Amano."

The sentence is firm. Unwavering.

I try to stop crying, but for some reason, I can't. "What's wrong?" he says, softer this time.

"Cancer... the doctors... time... gone..." the words come out in the wrong order, cluttered with sobs.

He tilts my head upwards and stares sternly into my eyes. I search his eyes for anger, or maybe disappointment. But all I can find is worry.

All of a sudden, I feel inexplicably guilty.

"Talk to me," he demands.

I stare at the ground.

"Come on, Amano." he says again. "Tell me what's wrong."

Maybe... maybe now's the time to tell him the truth.

"I have terminal cancer," I stammer slowly. "It's already in Stage IV. The doctors say that I have little more than a week to live."

I watch Kashino's golden eyes widen in panic. "What? No! You can't be serious!"

"..." I want to say something to comfort him. But how can I do that when I can't even comfort myself?

"S...Sorry," I whisper finally.

His expression is blank. "I get it. You're joking, aren't you? That isn't very funny," he says slowly.

"I'm not joking, Kashino." My voice wavers slightly. "Don't you get it? I'm _dying._ In a few days, I'll be gone from your life."

He shakes his head, disbelief clouding his features. "You're a liar," he snaps. "I've known you for so long, you can't just–"

"It wasn't my choice."

My hands are shaking again, and tears are starting to fall from my eyes. They don't stop. They just keep coming, one after another after the other.

"This... this is it," I say quietly. "I hope you're happy."

I watch him flinch noticeably with that last remark. He looks hurt.

Good.

I hope it gives him a glimpse of the pain I'm feeling right now.

Slowly, I stand up and stride from the room, tears veiling my vision until everything is just a meaningless blur of colors. I wait until I'm outside before sinking to the ground.

My breaths are coming in short, and my head feels abnormally heavy. The last of my strength is gone. Now, I feel like I'm moments away from death.

I take one last look at the building. Something snaps inside of me, as I realize how kind Kashino's been to me.

I love him.

But it doesn't matter anymore. Now, I've ruined everything.

"You were right," I say quietly. "I really am an idiot."

~11~

I decide to bake a Sourire de l'Ange to cheer myself up.

I feel strangely exhausted. For some reason, my movements are slow and lethargic, as if time has captured me in its escape-proof walls.

Fortunately, I'm still able to make the strawberry tart successfully. As I remove the dessert from the oven, a wave of fatigue overcomes me, and I have to lean onto the wall to regain my balance.

I realize I haven't seen Kashino since yesterday. Honestly, he deserves an apology. It's not his fault that I'm dying. It's not his fault that he didn't know.

So I scribble a note to him and leave it on the side of the plate. I then place the tart in the refrigerator to cool, where I know he'll find it tomorrow.

I start to walk out of the cooking room, but I never make it. Halfway there, I lose my balance and I just can't bring myself to stand up again.

* * *

The last thing I remember is watching the floor swerve nearer and nearer and thinking that maybe, just maybe, this is for the better.

* * *

 **Chapter end.**

 **~x~**

* * *

 **Cho: I've been wanting to experiment with death for awhile. I know this plot isn't realistic, and that a patient with a terminal disease like Ichigo wouldn't be 'up and about' like she is. I'm sorry about that.**

 **Hopefully this was okay... reviews would be greatly appreciated.**

 **Chiyoko: Cho will continue this if you guys like it! So please show her your support 'v'**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **Kashino's POV**

* * *

~x~

If you've had someone in your life for years, and one day they leave, it isn't like you're losing them. It's like you're losing yourself.

~x~

"I have terminal cancer... it's already in Stage IV. The doctors say that I have little more than a week to live."

I stare at her, alarmed. "What? No! You can't be serious!" Panic jolts through me like the panic you feel when you touch a hot stove. And after the panic comes the pain...

"S-Sorry," she says quietly.

But... that can't be right. She was fine just a few days ago. Right...? "I get it," I begin slowly. "You're joking, aren't you? That isn't very funny."

"I'm not joking, Kashino." She says, purposely averting my glance. "Don't you get it? I'm _dying._ In a few days, I'll be gone from your life."

I shake my head, still unwilling to believe her. "You're a liar," I persist. "I've known you for so long, you can't just–"

She cuts me off before I can finish. "It wasn't my choice." Her voice is bitter, spiteful, and hurt. _Hurt._ "This... this is it. I hope you're happy." She stands up and exits the room, leaving me here alone.

And then the meaning behind her words hits me at full force. I feel tears blur my vision and trickle warmly down my cheeks.

"You can't just _leave,"_ I finish.

But it doesn't matter; she can't hear me anyways. Not for the first time, I wonder if it ever mattered at all.

~x~

I decide to apologize to her the next day. Everything I said was naive and ignorant and that's the last thing she needs right now.

Ichigo's in the baking room... I stay behind the door so I won't disrupt her while she's making sweets. She arranges the fresh strawberries on top of her tart before leaving it in the fridge.

Strawberry tart... "Sourire de l'Ange". That was French. What did it mean again? It had another significance besides the identification of the sweet... I try to remember, but I can't.

Ichigo takes a few steps forward and then loses her balance. My eyes widen as I scream her name, but she can't hear me. Her body pitches forward, coming dangerously close to the linoleum tiles, and then...

I catch her. I don't know how it happened; I don't know how it was even possible to run that fast. But I did it.

Holding her in my arms, I swear silently that I will never let her go again. I don't know why I ever did.

~x~

The ride to the hospital is excruciatingly long. Despite my efforts to keep calm, my hands start shaking violently on the way there.

This can't be it. She can't be dead. I swear, I haven't even had the chance to say goodbye...

~x~

They don't let me into her hospital room.

I have to wait outside for hours, trying to think through my anxiety and frustration and worry. Finally, I can't take it anymore.

When my sister walks down the hallway, I make sure to stop her...

"Miyabi."

Her expression doesn't change. "Excuse me, Makoto. You're blocking the way."

"Please let me in to see Amano Ichigo." Ichigo's first name feels strange and foreign to my lips, even though I've thought it about a million times.

My sister stares at me through piercing brown eyes; eyes that were once so soft and warm. But there's only coldness now. Coldness and hatred and shame. "Have the doctors given you permission to go in?" She demands, her tone unchanging.

"No," I answer. "That's exactly why I need your help. You could negotiate with them and–"

" _Listen_ to the doctors, Makoto." She interrupts me. "You can go in when they let you."

My heartbeat spikes. I feel the blood drain from my face when I realize she's not going to help me. "No. No, I've waited outside for hours... please, I need to see her. I need to know if she's okay..."

Miyabi glares at me impatiently. "She's not okay. She's going to die and you're not going to see it." she snaps. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have places to go."

She walks past me but I don't call for her. I can't seem to muster the energy to look at her. Her words echo over and over again in my mind... _she's going to die she's going to die she's going to_ die. Tears overflow from my eyes and splash onto the ground; tears that I've promised myself to never let her see.

Miyabi turns on her heels. A frown pulls at her lips as she stares at me accusingly. "Are you... crying?"

I try my best to compose myself. "Excellent observation, Watson."

She rolls her eyes. "Sherlock Holmes isn't supposed to have emotions."

"But he does," I argue.

She lets out a long sigh, raking a hand through her neat brown hair. "Fine. You can go in, but just this once."

I nod gratefully, before walking over to Ichigo's hospital room. I'm about to open the door when my sister stops me.

"Makoto?"

I turn around. "Hmm?"

She pauses. "Don't cry. She won't want to see you crying.."

I hurriedly brush the tears from my eyes. "...Thank you," I tell her softly.

For a moment, she almost smiles a little. And then she's gone, and I wonder if it was just my imagination.

~x~

The room is brightly lit. The glare of the hospital lights hurts my eyes, but I don't say anything. Slowly, I make my way over to the far side of the room. Ichigo is asleep on the hospital bed, looking smaller than ever against the blank white sheets.

A dozen machines are connected to her body. An IV protrudes from her skin, dripping medications into her that probably won't help her anyways. Not at this point. Her eyes are shut, her body still and unmoving. She almost... looks... _lifeless._

But she's alive, and I know that. I watch the line on the heart monitor rise and fall, and slowly, I let myself sink into its consistency.

She's _alive._

* * *

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